Areas of Expertise

Navigating Insurance with Confidence

We manage all aspects of communication with insurance after injury. Hopefully you don't piece together that insurance companies are also run by hellspawn, and we are actually tag teaming as much money from you as possible.

Protecting Your Right to Be Guilty

Our priority is to win, win, win no matter what. We don't ask any of those pesky personal questions like those other lawyers do. We see right through you, but it doesn't matter as long as you have a band to spend.

Securing Your Future In Hell

Proactively protect your rightful place in the torture chamber of your choosing. You already know where you're going when you die. Might as well be able to choose your punishment. 

Planning for Your Revenge Fantasy

We assist with any and all fantasies regarding revenge, however twisted, however dark. If you are seeking legal counsel on how to get away with it, we're here for you.

Framing Others

We pride ourselves in our almost supernatural ability to twist the blame in your favor. There will always be someone more likely for the jury to believe is guilty if you know just what to say!

Injury Law

Injury and criminal defense are our two main areas of expertise. Why don’t we focus on one thing in particular rather than a confusing assortment of general practices? How does our office even operate? “This seems inaccurate to how the law actually functions”, you say? FUCK YOU SHUT UP!!!!!

Liability & Risk

Everything you do has risk: owning something, renting something, working somewhere, getting married, having kids, slowly growing to resent them over time, getting divorced, changing your name, being served papers, you can’t fucking make me pay child support, I don’t care if “family is important”, I never loved you anyway, I was way too young to throw away the rest of my life for those sniveling brats. What was I talking about?

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